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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Do you get aroused from squeezing balloons until they explode? Do you quiver with delight as popcorn pops? Have you ever stood in front of a ripe flower bud for hours to witness its slow explosion into full opening? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’re in for an orgasmically pleasing week. Lots of things are going to change into something else through the process of eruption or sprouting or bursting forth.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In my vision of your ideal future, you spend the next two weeks both way out on the frontier and close to home. Paradoxical? Yes, but that’s the magic and mystery of the unusual opportunity. Don’t take my word for it: Meditate on wandering free on the outskirts of everything you know even as you feel as secure as a monarch in your castle. Enjoy the pleasures of unexplored territory as you draw on the power of the familiar.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Although the platypus is technically a furry mammal, a new study of its genetic code reveals some qualities common to birds and reptiles. It lays eggs and has venom like a snake and a bill like a duck. Sounds like the perfect creature to serve as your totem in the coming week. Life will bring you unexpected mixtures and improbable hybrids. You won’t be able to make sense of your experience if you rely on your usual categories. And I think the best way to attract good fortune will be to weave together threads of different colors and textures.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Write down five exciting things you love to do or think about. Take this list with you everywhere. On another piece of paper, name five fears or unpleasant thoughts. Put this at the back of your closet. For the next seven days, try to keep your mind off the things on the bad list. Meanwhile, cultivate, seek out, and enjoy the five exciting things. Don’t worry, this exercise won’t turn you into a brain-dead optimist. You’ll do it for only a week. The items on the second list will still be there when you’re done. Or will they? Maybe they will have mutated into something more manageable.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): When David Bowie came to America for his first tour in 1973, he said he felt like a fly in a glass of milk. He was half-drowning in a flood of interesting new sensations and perceptions, while at the same time he was greedily drinking it all in, stoked with fascinated joy. According to my projections, Leo, you’re in that fly-in-the-milk state yourself, or will soon be.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The light in your eyes looks a little foggy, Virgo. The fire in your belly seems to be guttering, and your brain has been hiccupping. At least your heart isn’t exactly broken. I’m not worried. After the nonstop breakthroughs you enjoyed there for a while, I expected you to eventually need time to slow down and let everything sink in. So cultivate a state of low-key contentment as your deep mind integrates the transformations you set in motion.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I’m not a fan of free-market guru Milton Friedman, who died in 2006. His philosophy has wreaked more suffering on the world than any since Communism. One particular keystone of his belief system is especially important for you to rebel against in the coming weeks. He said that “only a crisis — actual or perceived — produces real change.” In the name of all you hold holy, Libra, prove him wrong. Show everyone that real change can be motivated by an exuberant lust for life — by a generous longing to risk adventures that will yield greater rewards.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The guy who gave his name to the Americas was also a pickle salesman and writer. After a stint in Spain selling vitamin C-rich pickles to outbound ships, Amerigo Vespucci got to travel to the New World in 1499 and 1502. His stories about his adventures there were highly imaginative, like his deDELETEion of giant native women with huge breasts who employed poisonous fluids extracted from insects to super-size their husbands’ penises. I nominate Amerigo as your role model in the coming weeks. May you, too, do what comes natural and be your funky self in ways that lead to glory and renown.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Two chemicals called actin and myosin evolved eons ago to allow the muscles in insect wings to contract and relax,” writes Deepak Chopra in The Book of Secrets. “Today, the same two proteins are responsible for the beating of the human heart.” Likewise, actions you take or ideas you embrace in the coming days will send reverberations deep into your future. They will show up later in altered form, but imprinted with the essence you give them now. This is your chance to bestow blessings on the person you will later become.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): From Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Breakfast of Champions: “Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne.” This has some resemblance to what you’re doing. You’re much smarter than yeast and will not do the equivalent of drowning in crap. But I bet you’ll create something comparable to champagne.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “The question of evil,” writes James Hillman, “refers primarily to the anaesthetized heart, the heart that has no reaction to what it faces, thereby turning the variegated sensuous face of the world into monotony, sameness, oneness.” Your assignment in the coming week is to triumph over this kind of evil in yourself. Awaken your heart fully to the unpredictable, ever-shifting beauty and ugliness you encounter. Drink it all in like a thirsty wanderer emerging from a long trek in the desert.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Dear Rob: My 10-year project is to become a beautiful truth-teller, with the simple goal of expressing the things that Everyone Ought To Say But Doesn’t. What would you do? — Aspiring Fount of Truth.”
Dear Fount: In its highest expression, the Piscean style of telling the truth is ripe with emotional intelligence and a deep thoughtfulness that’s devoted to staying focused on the big picture. One of the best ways is to regularly tell yourself the truth about yourself with kick-ass kindness.
Homework: Make a game out of a situation you’re bored by or in dread of. In other words, find a way to play in a place where you’ve been stuck. Report results to RealAstrology.com. Click on “Email Rob.”
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