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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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Astrology
ARIES (March 21-April 19): It’s Reinvent Your Persona Week, Aries. To stimulate your imagination, pretend it’s Halloween for the next seven days. Today, dress up as a skanky biker chick or dude. Tomorrow, be a transgendered princess. Then be a snake-dancer, drag-racer, and rodeo clown. Don’t just get creative, get outrageously creative. APRIL FOOL! It is a perfect time to reinvent your persona, and it’s wise to inject more wildness and badness into your style, but there’s no need to indulge in random experimentation. You already know exactly which way to go.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Life is a bitch and then you die. The more you suffer, the more you learn. If all else fails, manipulate the data. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a dirty lie, to see how trusting you are of “experts” like me — and whether you’d let your mood be manipulated by stuff you read in the paper. The fact is, you can no longer afford to absorb the pathological delusions about reality spread by the mass media. I recommend you go on a fast from tv, radio, films, videos, newspapers, magazines, and the internet for 96 hours. By then, you will have begun to sense the real truth: that life is a benevolent conspiracy designed to bring you blessings and make you smart.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Stand on an overpass and scream a dirty limerick into the wind. Recite your favorite commercial to a grocery store clerk. Write a love note to Bill Gates and send it to him in an envelope along with $5. APRIL FOOL! While it’s prime time to depart from normal inhibited behavior, it’s also important that your actions feel deeply meaningful. Try these instead: Climb to a mountaintop and scream a prayer into the wind. Recite an anti-war poem to that clerk. Write a short essay about your greatest longing, tie the paper to a helium-filled balloon, and send it aloft at twilight.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Make yourself as boring as possible, Cancerian. Avoid every risk that might force you to question your beliefs, and steer clear of adventures that could bring you into contact with people who aren’t like you. Cultivate safety and security at all costs; the best way is to hide in your room and do absolutely nothing. APRIL FOOL! In fact, the best way to cultivate safety and security is to regularly seek out what interests and excites you. And the days ahead should provide ample opportunities to do just that.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Sixty years ago, farmers had to wait an average of 12 weeks for a newborn chick to become an adult chicken. These days, thanks to the miracle of synthetic hormones, antibiotics, and profligate amounts of feed, the process takes six weeks. This amazing change in the life cycle of poultry should be an inspirational model for you, Leo. It’s high time you started growing twice as fast. APRIL FOOL! Don’t you dare try to force yourself to ripen at a breakneck rate. Speed up your pace, yes, but not by more than 20 percent.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It’s the Grunting Season, my dear. Your luck will multiply and your alignment with cosmic rhythms will grow whenever you engage in activities that provoke copious grunting. Bench-pressing? Hole-digging? Floor-mopping? APRIL FOOL! I totally lied. You didn’t believe me, did you? In point of fact, Virgo, it’s the Sighing Season. Your luck and your alignment will flourish whenever you engage in activities that provoke copious sighing. Gazing at gorgeous sights? Thinking deeply about the big picture? Making love long and slow?
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There are only two kind of people: those who align themselves with the forces of light and those who align themselves with the forces of darkness. Now, in the tremendous struggle between the two, you, Libra, must choose which side you’re on, once and for all. APRIL FOOL! In fact, every one of us is a mix of good and evil. And it’s prime time for you to become hyper-alert about how the two play out in you. Once you’ve acknowledged your own part in feeding the darkness, you’ll have a lot more credibility as a fighter for beauty, truth, peace, love, goodness, and justice.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Last January, I asked my readers to send me their anti-resolutions for the new year: promises to cultivate weird habits, incorrigible vices, and controversial actions. A list from Briana, a Scorpio woman, happens to be a perfect match for the kinds of behavior you Scorpios should indulge in during the coming week. She vowed to engage in more awkward dancing, loud singing, fascinating egotism, and guilt-free masturbation. Be like her. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said will be good advice beginning around April 21, but not yet. For now, you really ought to be more demure, humble, and well-behaved than usual. It’s a period of atonement and adjustment.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “What’s the meaning of life?” “Who am I?” “Is there a God?” Tired, old questions like these are totally beneath you, Sagittarius. It’s time your search for truth kicked into higher gear, leading you to dream up snappier inquiries about the nature of your existence. For example: “What can I do to make my friends and loved ones more perfect?” “Are there any shortcuts I can take to getting everything I want?” “How do I arrange to avoid all pain and have only pleasurable experiences?” APRIL FOOL! This is no time to abandon venerable questions like “What’s the meaning of life?” especially now that you’re on the verge of uncovering a host of insightful new answers to them.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): At the height of his power, Alexander the Great ruled an empire that stretched from Greece to India. According to legend, he wept because he had no more worlds to conquer. Sounds like you, doesn’t it, Capricorn? How could you possibly accomplish any more than you already have? It’s sad to think you have nothing left to prove. APRIL FOOL! The real truth is this: No matter how adept you are or how much territory you’ve seized, you’ve just begun to tap your full potential. Events this week will show you intriguing mysteries to explore and master.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your ego has been writing checks your body can’t cash. Your past has been making promises your future doesn’t even want to think about keeping. Your inner beast has been cannibalizing your inner child. Shape up, hypocrite! APRIL FOOL! There has been a gap between your intentions and your effects, but not nearly as great as I implied. Please forgive me. In the outrageous spirit of the prankster holiday, I was hoping the shock value would motivate you better than a polite, gentle prod.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The sign on my optometrist’s door reads, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” That’s a good rule for you to live by in the coming days, Pisces. The astrological omens suggest you should hang out in environments where none of your desires can possibly be fulfilled; you’ll thrive around people who can’t help you reach your goals and have no idea what you’re interested in. APRIL FOOL! This week of all weeks, it’s crucial that you risk imitating a Scorpio: Measure every experience according to how well it serves your drive to get what you want.
Homework: Describe what you’d be like if you were the opposite of yourself. Write www.freewillastrology.com.
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