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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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Astrology
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Advising an Aries to have more patience is like commanding a bonfire to burn in slow motion. But I’m going to make the effort. Therefore, please be aware that if you would like to place yourself in maximum alignment with cosmic trends, you should find a way to be perfectly content as you watch and wait. Figure out how to enjoy dwelling calmly in a state of trusting faith, and fantasize freely about the delights that will come to you if you just cultivate a quiet, relaxed confidence.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Before the 1820s, the mosquito was unknown in Hawaii. Then whaling ships from distant lands brought hordes of the annoying creatures as stowaways. Keep this scenario in mind in the coming week, Taurus; let it serve as a warning beacon. The new world you have recently begun to inhabit resembles a paradise without mosquitoes. You might have to take special measures to keep it that way, like prohibiting whaling ships from dropping anchor in your harbor — or the metaphorical equivalent.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I hope you have a spiritual path. It doesn’t matter what kind, just some relationship with a benevolent source beyond your little ego. But I also want to advise not taking your spiritual path too damn seriously. Grave fanaticism in any form, even for a noble cause, is dangerous to your mental health and that of people around you. This week it will be especially important to tease that which you hold most sacred. Examples? Put underwear on a Buddha statue, insert a dirty limerick into your prayers to the Goddess, enjoy some heavy petting in a synagogue, visualize yourself tickling Jesus.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): I’m on my periodic Oracular Scavenger Hunt, wandering the globe trolling for fresh metaphors to inspire my prophecies. On the Hawaiian island of Molokai, I found one that fits your current astrological aspects. Though many roads crisscross Molokai’s 260-square-mile expanse, there is not a single traffic signal anywhere. By my reckoning, this closely resembles the terrain you will travel in the next two weeks: not a red light in sight.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I’d like to give fair warning to your inner critic, your pessimistic tendencies, and the part of your psyche that harbors lowered expectations. In the coming months, omens will compel me to forecast a high level of health, happiness, and shouting “hallelujah!” If you’d rather remain stuck in outmoded fantasies about your unworthiness, you’d best avoid my horoscopes for the foreseeable future. If, on the other hand, you’re ready to boost your faith in your ability to get what you want, stay tuned.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I’m smarter in some places than in others. In Florence, Amsterdam, and Milwaukee, my IQ is off the charts. In Munich, Madrid, and Washington, D.C., I’m rather dull-witted. Even in northern California, where I usually live, my brain functions vary. I’m an idiot on Market Street in San Francisco, but awash in wise insights on Mt. Tamalpais. What’s this about? The specialized branch of astrology called astrocartography would say that the full potentials of my horoscope are more likely to emerge in certain power spots. In the coming weeks, you might investigate whether this holds true for you, too. Wander around and see where you feel most in tune with your deep, brilliant self.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Devotional singer Krishna Das told of escorting his revered teachers, a frail old Indian couple, to an acupuncturist in New York. They walked by strip clubs, prostitutes, and drug dealers. Every few feet, a new salesperson approached with an offer of crack, weed, crank, or sexual adventures. Krishna Das worried about subjecting his beloved guides to such a degrading experience, but they were unfazed. “This is heaven,” said the woman, and elaborated: “Heaven is any place where one’s needs can be met.” I wish, Libra, that you can be as open-minded this week as she was about where heaven might reside.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpio actress Rachel Ticotin has appeared in Con Air, Natural Born Killers, and Full Disclosure, but my favorite is Total Recall. It takes place mostly in a colony on Mars. Ticotin plays a sleazy but demure hooker who is secretly a rebel freedom-fighter plotting to overthrow the corrupt, oppressive government. Can you imagine any better role for a Scorpio? It’s a perfect example of how your tribe’s dark side can be expressed constructively. I suggest you find or create your own equivalent in the coming weeks.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A British veterinary nurse saved the life of a 5-foot king snake a few weeks ago. While giving birth, Nipper stopped breathing, whereupon Claire Farina administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation until the creature’s respiration resumed. I’m not predicting that you will literally give the kiss of life to a serpent in the coming week, Sagittarius, but I imagine you’ll pull off the metaphorical equivalent. How, exactly, I can’t say. Will you rescue a hissing slitherer? Will you expand your capacity to to express wild kindness?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Extensive research led me to the Napili Sunset condo in Maui. The travel guide promised spacious views of ocean, sky, and garden. On my lanai, I can indeed see aquamarine waves breaking majestically in the distance. Up close, my eyes are thrilled by lush orange hibiscus and red torch ginger. The only element not mentioned in the guidebook is a parking lot where there’s a large dumpster crammed so full of garbage bags that the lid can’t close. Will I let this intrusion spoil my idyllic enjoyment? Hell, no. Likewise, Capricorn, I hope you won’t let a single glitch darken your otherwise fantastic run of good fortune in the coming week.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “I am superior to you only in one point,” Narcissus tells Goldmund in Herman Hesse’s novel Narcissus and Goldmund. “I’m awake, whereas you are only half awake, or completely asleep sometimes. I call a man awake who knows in his conscious reason his innermost unreasonable force, drives, and weaknesses, and knows how to deal with them.” I borrow this pithy little speech for your horoscope because you, too, are only half-awake. But it’s prime time to discover your innermost unreasonable forces, drives, and weaknesses — and to become more skilled in dealing with them.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Western science and religion differ on how the universe was created, but they agree it happened a long time ago. Tantra and other less-publicized spiritual traditions, on the other hand, assert that the universe is recreated anew in every moment through the divine erotic play of God and Goddess. They say that if we humans treat lovemaking as an experimental sacrament, we can attune ourselves to the union of the two primal deities and participate in the ongoing creation of the world. So are you up for some cosmos-generating sex this week, Pisces? The astrological omens say you are.
Homework: Make a prediction about what age you will be when you finally know exactly who you are. Testify at www.freewillastrology.com.
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