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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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A D V E R T I S E M E N T
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ARIES (March 21-April 19): I’m 99 percent positive that in the coming week you will not battle a rogue agent of the secret government on top of a speeding truck. And it’s highly unlikely that the next time you open your closet door you will engage in magical combat with a goblin from the fifth level of hell. On the other hand, it might be wise to instigate a fair fight in a safe place with a good person who is basically your ally. You two need to air out some buried tensions in order to get the most out of future collaborations.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “Diplomacy is letting someone else have your way,” said Lester Pearson, a Taurus politician from Canada who won the Nobel Peace Prize. If I’m reading the omens correctly, that aptitude will be your specialty in the coming weeks. You will have a sixth sense about how to tactfully maneuver adversaries and colleagues alike into arriving at conclusions that will promote your goals. To maximize the likelihood that you’ll be a benevolent manipulator, try to arrange it so that getting your way will help others get their way as much as possible.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “Where my heart lies,” wrote Robert Browning in his prayerful poem, “let my brain lie also.” That’s my wish for you to experience in the coming weeks, Gemini. It’s not a wistful, ineffectual wish, either: My analysis indicates that the cosmos will conspire to unify more than a few of your fragmented parts. In fact, I predict that your thoughts and feelings will converge in a vigorous collaboration that will ultimately generate excellent karma for you and others.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Some religious traditions don’t motivate you through the threat of punishment and fear of God. Some corporations don’t rip off their workers, despoil the environment, and promote tyrannical bosses. Some politicians don’t lie constantly, haven’t sold out their ideals, and aren’t power-mad narcissists. In light of these facts, please try to keep an open mind about them all in the coming week, as well as about any person, institution, or idea about which you have made generalizations. It’s a perfect time to shake up and possibly purge some of the biases that you have enthroned as absolute truths.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): My friend Ronnie, the tattoo artist, told me that people who get their first tattoo are sometimes unprepared for how much it hurts. Most are able to endure it, though. There are some sissies who can’t, and they tend to be the biggest, baddest macho dudes. Ronnie says she personally knows 15 tough guys walking around San Francisco with a fragment of a tattoo, having abandoned the process in agony. Is there any situation in your life that resembles a half-completed initiation? Have you ever left midway through a rite of passage? Now is a good time to make plans to go back and finish what you started.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Every year, the Annals of Improbable Research gives out Ig Nobel Prizes to researchers whose work “cannot or should not be reproduced.” Last year, awards were conferred upon chemists who managed to extract vanilla flavoring from cow manure, scientists who found that impotency drugs help hamsters to recover from jet lag, and linguists who discovered that rats can’t distinguish between someone speaking Dutch backward and someone speaking Japanese backward. Do nothing in the coming weeks that would resemble these efforts. Make sure that your considerable mental talents are engaged in tracking down out information that will be truly useful. Don’t get sidetracked by trivial data, irrelevant details, and wild goose chases.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Leonardo da Vinci created a mural that his contemporaries regarded as a greater masterpiece than The Last Supper. Painted on a wall in Florence’s Palazzo Vecchio, The Battle of Anghiari vanished when the building was remodeled. Some experts believe it still exists behind another wall that bears a newer mural. Investigators are using advanced technology to detect the possible presence of Leonardo’s missing tour de force. Let this serve as a metaphor for the work ahead of you: It’s a perfect time to search for lost brilliance that’s stuck behind a barrier or buried treasure that has almost been forgotten. Once you find it, then you can free it.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Sylvia Plath said she was unimpressed with the “photographic mind which paradoxically tells the truth, but the worthless truth, about the world.” What she loved was the “synthesizing spirit, that ‘shaping’ force, which prolifically sprouts and makes up its own worlds with more inventiveness than God.” I hope that aspect of your psyche will soon blossom. You’re ripe to dream up a host of creations for yourself — to improvise and design and compose.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The average male owns 15 pairs of underwear, while the typical female has 21. (The other three genders average 25, 31, and 13 respectively.) But those figures will almost certainly rise in the coming weeks, as Sagittarians of every variety will be enhancing their approach to covering their asses. Most of you will also be refining and evolving your attitude toward the things that touch you most intimately, as well as deepening and embellishing your relationship with the hidden aspects of your public image.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Robert Anton Wilson defined information as data that’s new to you. If it’s something you already know, it’s not information. Terence McKenna had a similar view. He used the terms “information” and “novelty” interchangeably. If you’re not surprised, he said, if your curiosity isn’t piqued, then the messages streaming your way don’t qualify as information. Make that your gold standard in the coming weeks. Be voracious for real information, and ruthlessly banish the fake stuff. You will know you’re doing it right if you’re never bored.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Astrologically speaking, this would be a perfect time for you to get a brain implant that would allow you to surf the web with your mind alone. Unfortunately, the technology to do that isn’t available yet. But variations on this theme could soon affect you. You’re primed to make innovations and play with possibilities that the rest of the world isn’t ready for. Go ahead and try them anyway. People may be prodded by your pioneer spirit into helping you conjure up the fresh-from-the-future resources you need.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Many people sincerely think that they will be called to account for themselves on Judgment Day. But stop worrying about it. The fact is that you were essentially called before God on Judgment Day last week (though it might have happened while you were asleep and dreaming), and everything went great! Your score wasn’t perfect, but the most important thing is that you made it! There will, therefore, be no more Judgment Days for you in the future. God found you worthy, and now you can go on living your life without fear or guilt. Congrats, Pisces — you’re free!
Homework: What’s your favorite excuse? Write it out and tape it to your mirror. Try not to actually say it even once during the coming week.
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